From my conversations and coaching of women on their relationship journey, the reason for being single is never the obvious.
There is always a deeper reason. For example, some say “I find it hard to meet men”. Others say “Meeting men is easy, but none of them are decent”. I’ve even heard “I’m genuinely ok and happy being single – not forever, but for now.”I suggest that there’s something else going on underneath – you don’t know what they want. This is the biggest reason you’re single.
But why? What’s so difficult about knowing what you want?
Self-awareness is a challenge
First, it takes self-awareness. A common thread through my posts is that creating the relationship of your dreams requires working on yourself. Tactics of what to say, how to say it, or what to text – or what not to text – is all on the surface. The deep work of learning about oneself requires thought, structure, and commitment – but also time. Any kind of work that encourages, nurtures, and affirms how we are – has the potential for the greatest long-term change. A growing number of us are beginning to take the time to reflect and dig below the outward strategies – but not enough.
Own your journey
Second, knowing what you want requires you to take charge. It means owning the fact you’re responsible for how your relationship journey is going. This is good – because if it’s a mess and it’s down to you – it means you can do something about it. If it’s all going terribly and it has nothing to do with you – then you’re powerless to make anything happen. Again – there’s a growing number of women who are starting to own their journey and direction – but still not enough.
Move beyond previous experience
Third, it means moving beyond the past. Think about this – if you know what you want from the man you want to be with – then go find them right? Not so easy. We have a tendency to carry around our previous experiences. The phrase “emotional baggage” captures this. Considering, thinking, and creating what you want is easily clouded by past experiences. So much so, we can unintentionally keep ourselves confused and not knowing.
Have a say in your relationship
All this talk of getting to a point of knowing what you want can seem a little…well…like hard work. It can seem like it’s taking the fun out of the whole experience. Perhaps. But are you going to leave the choice about who you spend the rest of your life with to ‘fate’? Or are you going to say how your relationship journey – and how your life – goes?
There is so much useful material to support you creating a great relationship. Being willing to think about yourself and your own experiences, move beyond what’s happened before, and create something new – it’s simple, profound and easy to understand – but challenging.