You may be missing the Quality Men around you because you’re not listening.
This is the first in a series of three posts giving ways you can identify the good ones – start by really listening.
A Facade To The World That Hid My Desperation
As I approached my mid-twenties, single, I presented a facade to the world. Of course, I didn’t know it was facade. I was in a good job working for a media agency in London. I had come out of a wild adventure of a relationship with someone I’d met online in 1999. I had a pretty good social life, and living at home with my parents, whilst not ideal was alright. I’ve learned that I spend a lot of my energy giving an outward appearance of having a great time, but the truth is somewhat different.
Underneath, honestly, I was desperate. I wanted to be in a relationship. I craved being with someone. And really, it was all about me. It was as if I was fundamentally flawed, incomplete and lacking the experience of being a full man or person because I was single.
Overwhelming, Intense, Stifling, And Tiring
How I ended up in this position is a topic for another post, but starting to tell the truth about how I felt was the first step into a larger world. My actual experience of myself was that I was unlovable – and pretending that I was having a great time. Of course, whenever I was interacting with people (and especially women) I might as well have carried a big neon sign pointing at me that said “I’m desperate, please love me”.
You can imagine how I was on date or talking to a woman.
Frequent adjectives included: overwhelming, intense, stifling, tiring etc.
Once I started being real about what was going on, the relief was palpable. It started with me being open with friends. “You know, I pretend I’m fine and enjoying life, but actually I’m desperate. The effect on me is that I’m sad and upset, and the effect on others is that I’m tiring to be around. In the long run, the future is that I’ll probably end up alone. But, what I’m really up for is being free.”
I knew being vulnerable in this way was a huge risk. In my head, women didn’t care, didn’t want to know, or at worst, were indifferent. And sometimes, those were the responses I got.
But once I started to tell the truth, it was as if I took down the neon sign I was carrying around. I was free – and women were free to be however they wanted around me too.
We Want Your Partnership
Consider that men are scared. You could be missing the good ones because you’re not listening.
There are quality men out there – but they’re hiding in plain sight. They want to talk about how they feel, their hopes, dreams, and aspirations. But they’re stopped by the stereotypes around them, and the way women listen to them.
What can you do? Start to listen to the guys around you – beyond the words they use. Men want to talk and be emotionally available – but we express it in different ways to women. We want and need your partnership.
This is the first in a series of three posts giving ways you can identify great guys – the other two are:
- Start to consider that the words men say might not be how they feel – but there will be signs
- Listen to the men around you – really listen to beyond what they say. They’re human too.
- Give them space to share their hopes and fears
- Notice if your opinion changes
Have you ever asked yourself ‘Why can’t I meet good men?’ Discover your ‘Natural Dating Strategy’ and find out the answer.